Claw marks in the frozen peas

New followers and such (or How I missed an opportunity to write about balls)

I have gained a throng of new followers, most of whom are 17 years old or younger. This leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable and self-conscious with what I post to tumblr now. For example, if I wanted to write a post about balls, I can’t do that. Ball torts were never covered in the law classes I took in my undergrad studies, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal (and probably a little inappropriate) to write about them when I have a young audience (and if I’m going to write about nads, it would be more effective with visual aids). Please understand I am not proclaiming a desire to write about testicles, but I would like the option available to me.

For those of you new to me and maybe even for old friends, here is an abridged list of introductory facts:

I understand:

• I wiggle my legs as I’m eating if I’m enjoying my meal
• organization
• The niece is my natural enemy. I will destroy her. Don’t care if she is only 4.
• My favorite time of day is at dusk when the sky exhibits a color gradient like rainbow sherbet
• The opposite of a fitness bootcamp
• Clothes I buy will always look better on mannequins than they will on me
• Riding a carousel spinning at the speed of light would be awesome, especially if I’m sitting on a donkey or a llama

• Unisex names; especially men named Terry
• decoupage
• baby corn
• Thousand Island dressing is not a dressing, but more like the Wal-Mart of sauces
• Webinars - both the word and the activity
• Being booed by this kid
• Harry Potter and the Flaming Hot Cheetos was a missed marketing opportunity

Reasons my cousins gave me to murder them tonight:

• “Okay, so what’s so special about Star Wars?”
• “Let’s rent 17 Again”
• “What’s wrong with Zac Efron?”
• “Who’s Tarantino?”
• “Do you listen to Michael Buble?”

Things I like that may not be easily digestible when eaten:

• Portable video games
• Ergonomic wrist support
• Organization
• Argyle
• Receiving postcards
• corn

Star Wars Cheat Sheet

A concise list of what you need to know when talking about Star Wars with my nephew:

Mustache guy = Obi Wan Kenobi
Green guy = Yoda
Darth Vader’s team = Galactic Empire
Fireballs = Force Push/Force Lightning
The Powerful Stuff = The Force

Lies I’ve told my niece and nephew

I’ve spent the last 3 weeks watching over the little ones. Here’s what I’ve been telling them:

• When you kiss a dog, you have to marry this dog, because it’s Dog Law
• The chlorine in pool water is slowly bleaching their skin like Michael Jackson, but that’s okay, because they will grow up to become fantastic dancers
• The bubbles in their orange juice comes from the saliva that factory workers spit into the bottles
• When my niece grows older, she’ll get a pair of prescription glasses so strong that she’ll be able to see ghosts
• When they go home to their mommy and daddy at the end of the month, we’re going to ship them UPS 3 Day Select

Vinh’s Scale of Moving Boxes (Sorted lightest to heaviest)

1. okay
2. hmm
3. hhrrrrrnnnn
4. Jesus H. Christ

Now that gas is inexpensive again, here are several alternatives for me to be upset and/or perplexed about:

• decoupage
• People who use FYI, ASAP, etc. in conversation
• wobbly shopping carts
• Dakota Fanning
• Stores that specialize in selling Christmas decor year round
• Mixed Martial Arts
• Dead spiders in my grapes
• backpack purses
• Hot plate-related apartment fires
• People named Terry
• itchy eyes
• Walking into a thread of spider silk
• Reply All email responses
• The concept of “yesteryear”
• The concept of Pizza bagels
• Overweight security guards
• People who quote Will Farrell movies
• When I stick a straw in my soda and it floats up
• When plastic wrap immediately sticks to itself upon being pulled out of its dispenser

Nervous Habits

Here is a list of the things I think I do when I’m feeling a little anxious:

• Bite my lip
• Curl my lips inward and bite down
• Pretend to check the time
• Pretend to read a text message I “just” received
• Pretend to check anything else on my phone (email, web, google maps, weather, contacts, et cetera)
• Clean my iphone’s screen
• Fumble with anything within reach either on the table or on the ground
• Twirl my keys around my left index finger
• Fumble with my keys as if they were jabbing into my thigh
• Switch between sticking my hands in my front and back pockets
• Switch between crossing my arms and placing my hands in my pockets
• Become hyper-observant of my surroundings
• Apply lip balm
• Adjust the contents of my wallet
• Massage my wrists
• Stretch my neck around in an effort to loosen up
• Rub my left index finger against my lip or chin
• Stroke my hair
• Clean my glasses even if they’re clean
• Take a drink if I’m holding a beverage
• Pick lint off of my clothes
• Pop my knuckles
• Pop my ankles
• Pop my back
• If I’m standing, I kick my toes into the ground
• If I’m standing, I shift my weight from one foot the the other
• If I’m standing, I’ll stand on a small ledge
• If I’m wearing a hooded sweatshirt, I’ll have my hands in the pockets
• Pull up my socks and straighten them if they’re crooked
• Say something ridiculous, yet hilarious and embarrassing
• Start talking about something completely non-sequitur and random

Things I Don’t Understand

1. Baby corn
2. Self-tanning lotions or spray-on tans

Making Lists

1. Lists have so many uses.
2. Grocery lists, project management, task lists…
3. Lists serve as an inventory tool that serve as an alternative to memory.
4. Lists can be concise, which makes it easy to keep track of specific points.
5. You can cross off points as you complete them.
6. Lists help you prioritize.
7. Lists (or outlines) are perfect for note taking and brainstorming.
8. They are great for keeping thoughts and ideas.
9. Rules are usually seen in the guise of a list.
10. Lists can be made with either pen or pencil and on any acceptable writing material, usually a notepad or on your computer. Use a crayon and a gum wrapper, no one will care.
11. Pros and Cons help you visualize important decisions.
12. Anyone seen writing lists on a clip-board look bad ass, especially if they are wearing a lab coat.
13. You can reference previous points on your list and it’ll be easy to find (see number 4).
14. If a bear pooped in the woods, but no one was around to see it poop. Does the poop make a sound? Does it even smell?
15. You can digress on a list and still stay on track.
16. Lists, they’re glorious as shit.