Claw marks in the frozen peas

This is a drawing I found underneath my bed a few days ago, which I’m sure was drawn by the nephew. When the niece draws up heist blueprints, her drawings look like they were done by a drunk driver because the lines are swerving all over the place. I like color, but I don’t think the swatches of color she leaves on the floor would get my room featured on Apartment Therapy. I would report her for negligence if there were coloring authorities.

I cannot make up my mind on whether the green triangles represent miniature mountains or corrugated grass. Overall I enjoy the nephew’s depiction of still life. What concerns me though are the two black squiggles. One can logically conclude they are one of three possible things:

• Danish postmodern chairs
• Goth earthworms
• The insignia of the Nazi Schutzstaffel

The niece, pictured here, is shown making a clean getaway from a Krispie Kreme she just robbed. I don’t understand how she’s so wily… and she’s not even wearing a seatbelt.

The niece began pre-school yesterday. The goal was to make her look as much like a nerd as possible. With the tucked in polo shirt and a backpack, or packpack as she calls it, that is equal to 67% of her total body size, I feel the objective was met with critical success.

I bought my niece a little stuffed cow today. I gave it to her and she squealed with glee. A few moments later, she came over and asked, “Uncle why yoo buy dis bear Uncle?” Translation: “Don’t buy me things I can afford on my own. Actually, I should be buying you gifts and not the other way around. Also, get me a Teddy Bear next time and not some whack moo cow.”

She’s going down… don’t care that she’s only three and a half.

Look at this photo and tell me my niece doesn’t have some shady dealings going on. Here she is watching the game tonight, which I’m sure she had a wager on. (I think she was rooting for the NY Giants) After the game was decided in overtime, she gave out a very satisfied chuckle. I’ve got seven more days to prove my case.

My brother is home for the holidays with my nephew and niece. This is my chance to prove once and for all that my niece is shady as heck. Whenever they’re home, I see her cautiously drawing on blank sheets of paper with crayon or marker. They may seem like intricate scribbles, but they’re really schematics of security systems.

Janessa is depicted here in a contemplative state, probably thinking about bank heists. She’s evil and I’m not okay with this.

My nephew’s 6th birthday is about a month away, but I’ve already finished shopping for his gifts. Final tally: Spongebob Lego set, Spider-man dart blaster, 10-pack of auxiliary darts, Spongebob t-shirt, and Hulk glow in the dark t-shirt.

I make it a point to buy something for both kids to maintain some kind of fairness, especially when it comes to the moody little girl also known as my niece. I honestly don’t know if she plays with toys. I mean, with all of the heinous crime she commits when she’s not busy being sassy, I don’t think she really has time for toys. Since I don’t want to buy her some random toy she’ll return to the store to bankroll her next museum heist, I just stick to buying clothes. Everyone wants to look cute, even if you’re only 3 and a half years old.

My niece, circa Feburary 2008.

Beneath her adorableness lies pure evil. She’s probably smiling because she successfully embezzled Social Security benefits from the elderly, or dominated a bar fight. I don’t know what she’s scheming, but I know it’s dastardly.

My niece has to wear glasses now, but don’t let the cuteness fool you. Nessa is trying to distract you from some evil deeds she’s just pulled, probably a bank heist or identity fraud.

On April 2, 2005, my niece (aka The Devil) was born. Her objectives include spending all of my money and drawing birds that look suspiciously like M’s.

Resist the cuteness. Resist it!