Claw marks in the frozen peas

Unemployment Blog: Day 365

From this point going forward, unemployment will be known as job sobriety. I have been job sober for 365 continuous days, but I badly want to fall off this wagon.

An important lesson I learned in my late 20s is that you can’t wait for things to happen. You have to create your own happiness. Since last summer I have been mulling over ways I can create my own opportunities. A couple weeks ago I came up with an idea that is too good to pass up. I had to share my idea with a few select friends to confirm that I wasn’t thinking crazy thoughts. I feel obligated to see it through now that I am talking about it openly. I’ve never started a business before, but what do I have to lose right?

Thank You Manifesto

How great would it be to submit a Thank You Manifesto instead of a card or note to someone who has done you right? No less than 5,000 words should do it.

Ruminating and Sandwiches

I do some of my best thinking while doing one of the following: showering, driving, or eating. You would think I would do some good thinking on the toilet, but that isn’t the case. When in the middle of a number 2, I like to think of promiscuity or untied shoelaces. Things that are loose, if you catch my meaning.

You know how elderly men have really epic eyebrows? I reached up to gauge the current state of my eyebrows, and they seem like an appropriate length for my age. I quickly came to the conclusion that I am inching closer to having to establish a regular maintenance schedule, and that is a little depressing. Having to maintain an socially appealing length of eyebrow has never occured to me until now. I could let it go unchecked, which at the very least will make it look like I have beach grass growing on my face. I could be appear wise like Albert Einstein with bushy eyebrows, and looking into the mirror will always remind me of summer. I thought of this between two bites of a turkey and cheese sandwich today.

Up All Night

Think about something tonight. Go out under the stars, and think about this.

When we point telescopes into space, we’re looking into the past. It’s old light their mirrors collect. What we see has already happened, and the light that shone on those events has been moving towards us at a hundred and eighty-six thousand miles per second. When we look at Alpha Centauri, four point seven light years away, we’re seeing it as it was a little over four and a half years ago. The further we look, the further back in time we go. If we could see across ten billion light years, the light we gathered would be the first light — the Big Bang.

But the universe is more than ten billion light years across. The other side of the universe, which physics already has early measurements for, is far away enough to constitute infinite breadth. We could travel at the speed of light for the remaining duration of the universe itself and still not get there.

In an infinite space, it turns out that science allows, and in fact cannot avoid, repetition of structures. In an infinite universe, there exists the significant mathematical possibility of an entirely replicated Earth, on our own timeline but separately developed.

Another Earth we’ll never see because it’s on the other side of the universe, past the ten billion-year boundary of our sight, far enough away for the mathematics to allow it to exist.

There could, in fact, be a ring of Earths around the edge of the universe, ten billion light years apart, all alone and living through the same days.

And you know what? It doesn’t matter what went wrong in your life today. Because up there, in the dark, somewhere past the limits of your vision —

— you got it right.

Warren Ellis, December 2003

Unemployment Blog: Day… a lot

There are four distinct stages of unemployment. They are as follows:

0 to 3 months: Optimism
4 to 6 months: Pessimism and discouragement
7 to 9 months: Despair and desperation
10 months and beyond: Optimistic apathy

I’m currently in the optimistic apathy stage. I’ve been out of work for so long now that I don’t really care anymore, but I’m positive that I will get myself out of this funk soon. I do miss the day to day interactions in the work place. I really miss being angry at dumb people. Let’s not forget redundant tasks, and people you want to stab with a pencil because they make meetings go on longer than planned. On the other hand, I have no obligation to wear pants. None. When I have doubts about taking a nap at 1pm, my inner voice asks, “Why wouldn’t you?”

What are the milestones in our lives where you shower a recipient with gifts? Bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, Sweet 16s, college graduation, quinceañeras, baby showers, and bridal showers. These are pretty big events in our lives, and they are celebrated accordingly. I strongly believe that finding a job after 11+ months of unemployment is also a big deal, and to celebrate this we should have a Re-Employment Shower. Now I know what you’re thinking. The answer to that is registering at the Apple Store. Wouldn’t you be motivated to find a job after months of unemployment if you had a strong chance of getting a new MacBook? How about pants? I could go for one or two pairs. By lavishing me with gifts, you will not only motivate me to find a job, but you will also be stimulating the economy. My reasons for creating this Re-Employment Shower isn’t completely selfish.

Let’s do something about the price of candles.

The power went out late yesterday afternoon. After spending nearly two hours sitting around, I decided to drive to Target to buy some candles in case the outage persisted any longer. Four candles cost me nearly $15. I rarely buy candles, but I imagined it should be cheaper than that. Dating back to as early as 3000 BC, candles are one of the oldest technologies still in use by humans today. For comparison, the bill for my parents home phone for December 2009 was $4.41. Telephones consist of a complex network of wires and shit, so it clearly should cost more than candles. I am by no means a frugal person, but I plan on lighting puppies or maybe books on fire the next time the power goes out.

The one where I decide death might be a better option (or How I experienced the Swine Flu in 12 hours)

People like to sneeze at me with their mouths uncovered, and I don’t understand why. On Monday, I went to Target to get the H1N1 vaccine as a precautionary measure. I usually don’t believe in vaccines, but I figured that it’s better than death. At 9pm last night, it was like someone flipped a switch. One after another I experienced the following: nausea, fever, chills, soreness, redness and an upset stomach. The high fever had me up every 2 hours. By 9am this morning, the flip was switched back off. I’ve lost just over 3 pounds since last night and I feel mostly fine now, except my insides still hurt a little. Curled up into a tight ball in bed early this morning, I cursed the pharmacist who told me to take a couple of Tylenol if I experience a slight fever, but that the chances of having side effects were rare. It was at this moment that I made up my mind that next time I will take my chances with death. I’ve met her twice before and she seems nice.

My dad vs. Technical Support

My dad has a tendency to call customer service or technical support on speaker phone and I have never been able to figure out why. Yesterday he placed a call at 2:15pm Pacific Standard Time to troubleshoot a VOIP usb dongle-thing he purchased, which he plans to use while my parents spend the next couple of weeks traveling abroad. At 2:25pm, I paid attention to the recorded message that played nearly every minute which stated that their hours were 9am to 5pm Eastern Standard Time.

My first thought was: “Maybe I should tell him.”
My second thought was: “Maybe I shouldn’t. Let’s see how far this goes.”

At 3:45pm, or 90 minutes of being on hold, I finally told him pay attention to the recorded message. He gave me a blank stare, so I explained to him that their offices were no longer open. You would assume he would heed my advice and hang up, but you’re wrong. He stayed on the line for another 15 to 20 minutes. I could hear him down the hall just getting madder and madder with each passing minute. If I was living alone, I would not be able to experience things like this. However, because I’m living at home until I find a new job, I have to experience things like this.

Life was simpler when I had a Gameboy

A cousin on my mom’s side is having an engagement party at the end of the month. I dread large family events such as this one because I can’t resort to my childhood routine of finding a quiet corner to play with my Gameboy. Meeting old family acquaintances I haven’t seen in over a decade is an awkward process. It seems as though these people have a prearranged checklist of points to hit when speaking to me that include: confusing me for my brother, becoming wide eyed with amazement that I am not my brother, looking up at me like I’m 8 feet tall, commenting on how big I’ve grown, and spending the rest of the night calling me by my brother’s name.

My dad hasn’t said anything, but I bet he is scheming to set me up with someone’s daughter at this engagement party. I think he does this to me not because he wants to ensure I marry someone successful (i.e. someone Vietnamese and not an embarrassment to my parents), but because he’s kind of an asshole. The first time my dad made it his life’s mission to find me a wife, he brought a girl over to our house for Thanksgiving without my prior knowledge.

An assistant at his optometrist’s office, my dad carefully narrowed down the list of potential future daughter-in-laws to this poor girl; mostly because, at the time, she was studying to become a (insert successful and high paying career). Without any warning, she appeared at our house at 11am, and I was freshly out of bed looking dapper with a pillow ‘fro and eye boogers all up on my face. I believe in strong first impressions, and I could not have made a better one. I don’t think she really wanted to be there, but as a gesture of good will she gifted me Metallica’s St. Anger. My dad told her I listened to metal, except I don’t.

This is where the story is supposed to continue, but I have since repressed much of this encounter into the deep recesses of my mind. However, I can tell you that she attended the same university, and I would occasionally encounter her on campus. By encounter, I meant to say I would see her from afar and choose to walk in a different direction. I didn’t want her to see me and think, “Oh, there’s Pillow-Fro-Eye-Booger guy.” If I could just find a nice little corner to escape into the worlds of Mario and Samus, I would have fewer reasons to hate my life.

New followers and such (or How I missed an opportunity to write about balls)

I have gained a throng of new followers, most of whom are 17 years old or younger. This leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable and self-conscious with what I post to tumblr now. For example, if I wanted to write a post about balls, I can’t do that. Ball torts were never covered in the law classes I took in my undergrad studies, but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal (and probably a little inappropriate) to write about them when I have a young audience (and if I’m going to write about nads, it would be more effective with visual aids). Please understand I am not proclaiming a desire to write about testicles, but I would like the option available to me.

For those of you new to me and maybe even for old friends, here is an abridged list of introductory facts:

I understand:

• I wiggle my legs as I’m eating if I’m enjoying my meal
• organization
• The niece is my natural enemy. I will destroy her. Don’t care if she is only 4.
• My favorite time of day is at dusk when the sky exhibits a color gradient like rainbow sherbet
• The opposite of a fitness bootcamp
• Clothes I buy will always look better on mannequins than they will on me
• Riding a carousel spinning at the speed of light would be awesome, especially if I’m sitting on a donkey or a llama

• Unisex names; especially men named Terry
• decoupage
• baby corn
• Thousand Island dressing is not a dressing, but more like the Wal-Mart of sauces
• Webinars - both the word and the activity
• Being booed by this kid
• Harry Potter and the Flaming Hot Cheetos was a missed marketing opportunity