Claw marks in the frozen peas

I miss my brother

I haven’t been close with my brother since we were kids. We’re 5 years and 2 days apart. Whatever my brother did I was always at his side be it backyard soccer, riding bikes, playing tennis, or shooting hoops in the driveway. When he got into his teen years, he got himself mixed with the wrong crowd and we drifted apart. Our relationship has warmed a little over the last few years, but our conversations are few and far between. This isn’t why I miss my brother though.

My brother and the little ones didn’t come home for the holidays this year. Whenever he comes home, I use the opportunity to see whether or not he’s going bald. He is about five inches shorter, so I can just kind of discretely hover around him to observe his hairline. I have older cousins on my mom’s side who aren’t doing so well, and I cringe a little when I see them at family gatherings. Let’s get one thing clear, I’m kind of good looking - especially with a full head of hair. You may be shaking your head at me, but you agree deep down inside. Seeing my brother is almost like looking into my probable future. This is mostly why I miss my brother.

Forever Twenty-five

When I was 19 years old and working at Disneyland, a fellow coworker said she thought I was 25 years old. I remember feeling offended, because the mid-twenties seemed light years away. Now that I’m 30, people still assume that I’m 25. Last night, someone told me that not only do I look 25, I also act the age. Looking young is a good problem to have, but I haven’t a clue what it means to act 25. What do I need to do to appear older? Carry a corn cob pipe? I can pretend to smoke from it. Bubbles will discharge from the pipe when I place it to my mouth and blow, but I guess that would be counterproductive.

Adults with small hands: I have questions

Whenever I see someone with small hands, I can’t help but wonder how they cope with tasks. I would not want to find myself hanging from a cliff if I had small hands. The leverage longer fingers provide would give you better odds of not slipping into a pit of hungry crocodiles. These are things I need to know: How do people with small hands cope with door knobs? Cups? Firearms? Noting one’s approval by sticking up a thumb?

Ideas: Hot Cocoa in a Bread Cup

Shed your worries away for I have invented the future by revolutionizing the way you enjoy a hot beverage.

The new neighbors across the street are displaying their holiday cheer with a creative array of Christmas lights outside their home.

They must’ve forgotten to install an electronic timer, so I get festive light show to keep me awake at night for the next month. Considering rearranging their lights to spell out an expletive.

If I had super powers

Knowing my luck, if I were ever to be struck by lightning and gifted super powers, I’d be stuck with the power to awkwardly tell witty anecdotes or offer mints with haste. While not as special as flight or invulnerability, you have to admit that it’s almost equally as effective because they’re distracting. The real question lies in whether I would use these powers for good or evil.

Unemployment Blog: Day 206

Having too much free time proves to be a challenge for the unemployed. I have to find ways to keep my mind engaged with activities like reading, video gaming, wondering if it’s really necessary for Apartment Therapy to post over 60 times a day, and finding inane reasons to shop at Target. I’m growing tired of my hobbies and I’ve determined that maybe 3 naps a day is probably too much (but I’ll need to conduct more research). I need something new to stimulate my mind. What I need is… fight club. I don’t want to fight, but I do think I would look good shirtless and crying coughing up blood. You know I’m serious because I’m blogging about it. Also, I want a reason to drink Gatorade.

Things I like that may not be easily digestible when eaten:

• Portable video games
• Ergonomic wrist support
• Organization
• Argyle
• Receiving postcards
• corn

Dammit, I’m Old.

I turn 30 today. I’m at that point in life where I can’t get upset when someone calls me sir. I wake up with aches and pains, and I make sure Ibuprofen is within reach at all times. I no longer vote for the representative who has the funniest name, but rather, I put the time into researching their voting history and campaign promises. Seriously though, we have a local official whose last name is Schwing, and you better believe I voted for him in the last election. Nose hair has matured to a point where it’s a threat to young children and small woodland creatures if I don’t maintain it on a regular schedule. If I inhale, the hairs will grab at them and suck them into my nasal cavity. Ending a quip with “deez nuts” is no longer acceptable, nor is it as funny as it was when I was 20. I find myself moving away from calling people retarded or a douche. Now that I’m 30 I just say things like, “I find this person unacceptable” or “I don’t like the jive of your talk, scoundrel.” I’ve experienced a lot of growth in the last decade. Made a lot of mistakes too, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m at that point in life where I know who I am, what I like and what I want out of life. Dammit, I’m old.

Unemployment Blog: Day 183

When I submit an application or my resume for a position of interest, either I never hear from the employer or I hear back months later when the job has obviously gone to someone else. Last night however, I think I’ve hit an all new low. After submitting my resume for a position just before 9pm, I heard back a half hour later informing me that I am not being considered for the job. Couldn’t they have like… you know… waited until the morning? Can’t seem to catch a break these days.

Unemployment Blog: Day 172

I went from being a highly productive worker bee at my last job to a highly productive out of work bum, and this is a problem. On a typical unemployed day, I’m awake, showered, groomed and breakfasted before 9am. I’ve even sifted through 200+ feeds on google Reader and made my daily rounds on the Internet by 11am at the latest. It just doesn’t seem right to be this bored before noon.

Birthday Wishes: Cool Whistles

I’m a couple of weeks away until my next birthday. There’s nothing I want more than to be able to do cool whistles. My regular whistles are mediocre at best. If I were to enter a whistling competition, I would come in last place next to a Biblical leper, but I digress. I want to be able to whistle loudly, the kind that signals approval at sporting events or summons a stallion of some exotic breed. You know the kind where you stick your fingers in your mouth and blow? Any variation of that would be preferable. I also once knew a dude who would pinch his lower lip to achieve the cool whistle, but doing so made his mouth look like a sphincter, and this is not desirable. If none of you can grant me this wish, I kindly accept cash too.

I may not have much time left

For the last twenty minutes and counting, I’ve been listening to something make dragging/scratchy noises in my ceiling, and it’s moved from one end to the other during this time. Could it be past mistakes finally coming back to haunt me? And could it have known about my grand plan for them?

Update: The thing/bird/Ju-on has gone quiet since posting this. Maybe it knows that I know that it knows.

Star Wars Cheat Sheet

A concise list of what you need to know when talking about Star Wars with my nephew:

Mustache guy = Obi Wan Kenobi
Green guy = Yoda
Darth Vader’s team = Galactic Empire
Fireballs = Force Push/Force Lightning
The Powerful Stuff = The Force

Lies I’ve told my niece and nephew

I’ve spent the last 3 weeks watching over the little ones. Here’s what I’ve been telling them:

• When you kiss a dog, you have to marry this dog, because it’s Dog Law
• The chlorine in pool water is slowly bleaching their skin like Michael Jackson, but that’s okay, because they will grow up to become fantastic dancers
• The bubbles in their orange juice comes from the saliva that factory workers spit into the bottles
• When my niece grows older, she’ll get a pair of prescription glasses so strong that she’ll be able to see ghosts
• When they go home to their mommy and daddy at the end of the month, we’re going to ship them UPS 3 Day Select