Claw marks in the frozen peas

Unemployment Blog: Day… a lot

There are four distinct stages of unemployment. They are as follows:

0 to 3 months: Optimism
4 to 6 months: Pessimism and discouragement
7 to 9 months: Despair and desperation
10 months and beyond: Optimistic apathy

I’m currently in the optimistic apathy stage. I’ve been out of work for so long now that I don’t really care anymore, but I’m positive that I will get myself out of this funk soon. I do miss the day to day interactions in the work place. I really miss being angry at dumb people. Let’s not forget redundant tasks, and people you want to stab with a pencil because they make meetings go on longer than planned. On the other hand, I have no obligation to wear pants. None. When I have doubts about taking a nap at 1pm, my inner voice asks, “Why wouldn’t you?”

What are the milestones in our lives where you shower a recipient with gifts? Bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, Sweet 16s, college graduation, quinceañeras, baby showers, and bridal showers. These are pretty big events in our lives, and they are celebrated accordingly. I strongly believe that finding a job after 11+ months of unemployment is also a big deal, and to celebrate this we should have a Re-Employment Shower. Now I know what you’re thinking. The answer to that is registering at the Apple Store. Wouldn’t you be motivated to find a job after months of unemployment if you had a strong chance of getting a new MacBook? How about pants? I could go for one or two pairs. By lavishing me with gifts, you will not only motivate me to find a job, but you will also be stimulating the economy. My reasons for creating this Re-Employment Shower isn’t completely selfish.

Unemployment Blog: Day 206

Having too much free time proves to be a challenge for the unemployed. I have to find ways to keep my mind engaged with activities like reading, video gaming, wondering if it’s really necessary for Apartment Therapy to post over 60 times a day, and finding inane reasons to shop at Target. I’m growing tired of my hobbies and I’ve determined that maybe 3 naps a day is probably too much (but I’ll need to conduct more research). I need something new to stimulate my mind. What I need is… fight club. I don’t want to fight, but I do think I would look good shirtless and crying coughing up blood. You know I’m serious because I’m blogging about it. Also, I want a reason to drink Gatorade.

Unemployment Blog: Day 183

When I submit an application or my resume for a position of interest, either I never hear from the employer or I hear back months later when the job has obviously gone to someone else. Last night however, I think I’ve hit an all new low. After submitting my resume for a position just before 9pm, I heard back a half hour later informing me that I am not being considered for the job. Couldn’t they have like… you know… waited until the morning? Can’t seem to catch a break these days.

Unemployment Blog: Day 172

I went from being a highly productive worker bee at my last job to a highly productive out of work bum, and this is a problem. On a typical unemployed day, I’m awake, showered, groomed and breakfasted before 9am. I’ve even sifted through 200+ feeds on google Reader and made my daily rounds on the Internet by 11am at the latest. It just doesn’t seem right to be this bored before noon.

Unemployment Blog: Day 54

The thing with marketing is that we have one of the dullest professional titles. Marketers, or marketeers, is the name you give a group of people who ride around town on bicycles to spread the good word spoken in the Book of Mormon. There has to be a better moniker for a creative professional that plays with your nipples to get a desired result, and fluffer is already taken.

Unemployment Blog: Day 50

After graduating from high school I got my first job working at Disneyland. During my last year there, we developed a knack for pulling pranks within the department. At the height of our prank wars, I learned to syphon foreign substances into water balloons. Powdered sugar, cotton candy sugar, pretzel salt, coffee grounds, hot dog juice and chocolate syrup to name a few. You haven’t lived until you’ve had 5 gallons of hot soapy water dumped on you in an ambush. I don’t list the four years I spent working for the Mouse on my résumé, but it can only come to benefit me if I spin this experience off as a skill.

Unemployment Blog: Day 28

There is this really good Chinese restaurant near where I live that makes a great dish involving chicken breast sauteed with asparagus and white rice. I always jokingly ask the owner for recipe hints because I’ve never tasted chicken so moist and tender, and I’m sure there’s some elaborate secret involving Tiger Balm. This ointment is the answer to everything. But seriously though, I want the recipe because I can’t keep paying 8 dollars a few times a week when I’ve no income.

Unemployment Blog: Day 12

While reading the newspaper during lunch today, I realized I couldn’t remember what day of the week it was. Was it Wednesday or Tuesday? It had to be Wednesday. Wait, if it’s Wednesday then what did I do on Tuesday? I checked the header of the newspaper and confirmed it was Tuesday, but there was a part of my brain that refused to accept this as fact. Maybe I was reading a day old newspaper. When you are unemployed, everyday feels like Saturday.

Unemployment Blog: Day 7

My work productivity and life productivity were two different animals. Work productivity was similar to Ryan Seacrest, whereas outside of work I was more like a 14 year old Labrador. With nothing valuable to occupy all of this free time, I’ve been Seacresting it up in my unemployed life. I’m up at 8, showered, breakfast’d, bed made and dressed (pants and all) before 10am. By noon, I’m left without much to do because I’ve made my rounds on the Interwebs and I save reading for later in the day. Since there isn’t anything for me to clean, organize, re-clean or reorganize, I contemplate taking a nap. (I managed two naps on Tuesday.) Earlier today when I wasn’t channeling my inner Seacrest, I didn’t feel like grabbing a fly swatter from downstairs. Instead, I chased a fly around my room with a hand vacuum. Ingenius or just plain lazy? I am probably slipping slowly into insanity.

The most important thing about surviving unemployed life is to set a rigid daily routine.

For example, I just put some pants on. They had to come on sooner or later, so now is as good as any other time.

Thought for the day

Being employed again feels rather bittersweet. I’m thankful for a new opportunity and a new challenge, but I’ll miss quiet mornings, afternoon naps and spontaneous trips to Target. Two things I’ll miss the most about being unemployed include: not having to wear pants (I’m not wearing any right now) and I can fart whenever I want. Not being to pass gas whenever I want to is such an inconvenience.

Unemployment Quirks I Hate, vol. 1: Time Traveling

No, not the cool kind of time travel that involve hoverboards, sexual innuendo with your teenaged mother and Mr. Fusions. The kind where you look at the clock and and then the next time you look at the clock, you’re hours into the future but it feels like only 20 minutes have passed. The days just fly by when you’ve got nothing to do.

I hate things like this.